I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
