It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
