Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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