Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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