i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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