He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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