Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Randomize
