I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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