Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
