Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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