My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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