I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Randomize
