What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
