Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Randomize
