I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
