If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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