I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
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