Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
