I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
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