When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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