I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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