Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
