i just wanna soil my oats bro
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
