The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize