I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
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