So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
