I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
