I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
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