i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
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