I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
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