peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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