she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
