Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
