Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
