Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
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