Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
farters have to be the big spoon...
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
