Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
