what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
