Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
