Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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