He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
