We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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