those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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