i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
