On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Randomize
