At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
