my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Houston, we have a blender
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
