just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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