woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
