just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
