Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
