I could make wine with my vomit
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
