In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Randomize
