Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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