vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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