theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
What drink are we having for lunch?
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
