Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
