I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
