He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
