Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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