I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize