Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Randomize
